I know I am not consistent with posting, I haven’t been consistent for a while and it’s because my life is pretty inconsistent, but as I am all up in my feels and my anxiety filled thoughts tonight, I thought this would be a good opportunity to post about it.

Have you ever been in a relationship so mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive that when you finally get out of it, it still feels like you’re living through it even though you aren’t? Do you have triggers that instantly throws you in a flashback to where you remember the smell, the sound, if it was hot or cold when the traumatic thing took place? I have a TON, so I thought I would share them in hopes that maybe it would relieve some of the anxiety I feel on a daily basis because of them.

Trigger number one

Coffee. Yep, the smell of coffee is one of my triggers. One of my ex’s made coffee all the time… He also used to degrade me all the time so my messed up brain now apparently correlates the two so when I smell coffee, I’m instantly thrown into a flashbacks of when I was degraded to the point where I felt like nothing. The worst part of it is, I like coffee and I like the smell of it.

Trigger number two

My ex would spend soooo long in the bathroom and at first I thought it was just because of his stomach problems… Later I found out that he would take his phone in there and hide the fact that he was texting other women. He knew that I wouldn’t bother him in there so I guess he figured that was a good place to plan to cheat on me. Totally sucks for my boyfriend now because he also has stomach problems and takes his phone in there but I know he’s not doing what my ex did… Still a trigger of mine though.

Trigger number three

My ex would fall asleep on me on purpose when I was upset about something just so he didn’t have to hear it… I felt so alone and so unloved to the point that I often wondered why I was still even alive. Again, sucks for my boyfriend now because when he does it, even when I’m not upset about anything, I instantly panic. All those feelings of feeling unloved instantly come back even though I know my boyfriend I have now loves me.

Trigger number four

Any change in tone when my boyfriend is talking to me instantly triggers me and I become very defensive…. It triggers such horrible flashbacks for me… When my ex didn’t like what I had to say, it would always end in him yelling at me, degrading me, calling me names and to the point where I would hide in the bathroom panicking to the point where he would just come find me to degrade me more by calling me crazy and threaten to take my daughter away because I was panicking due to him.

Trigger number five

Clutter and disorganization is also a trigger for me… When I was with my ex, I would always clean everything… I would make sure everything was in it’s right place… When he couldn’t find something he wanted or needed, it would put him in a crap mood that of course he took out on me… One of the worst memories I have was when one morning he was looking for his wallet and he couldn’t find it and was swearing and yelling so I told him I would help him find it and then asked him where was the last place he remembers having it and his response was so disgusting…. He said, “I don’t f*cking know you stupid c*nt!”

Trigger number six

When they want to hang out with their friends… Once again, this sucks for my boyfriend. I would never tell him he can’t or that I don’t want him to but it is one of my triggers that gives me severe anxiety. My ex would tell me that he’s going to a friend’s house when really he would go out and gamble or cheat on me… Or both at the same time with a cocktail waitress that knew me.

Trigger number seven

Gas stations… I know, an odd trigger, right? Of course there is a messed up reason for it. My ex went to gas stations every day before and after work for what I thought was just drinks… Come to find out, it was because he got the attention of other women in said gas stations he went in. Here’s the best part… One of the gas stations he would go into (his favorite one), I went in with him sometimes and there was this woman who worked there who complimented his wedding ring and thought it was awesome (it was camo) and she even complimented mine because it matched… I found out weeks later that he gave her his number and they started sexting some really nasty things… Our daughter was only 4 months old at the time.. which leads me to….

Trigger number eight

Being pregnant is a trigger for me. Yes, I just recently had my second baby with my boyfriend now, but let me tell you… The amount of anxiety and panic I had during that pregnancy was enough to make a therapist question their career choice. When I was pregnant with my first, I still did everything alone… I went to all my appointments alone and most of her doctors appointments alone…. I took care of her for the first year and half of her life (when it was the hardest and I was so sleep deprived and depressed) alone. I did all the hard shit alone…. While he let me do them alone…

Trigger number nine

Looking at my bank account is a trigger for me… Even though I know how to manage money and save, I still get severe anxiety looking at my bank account…. My ex always had to have money… When I made sure all the bills were paid and there was food in the house and gas in the cars, sometimes we’d be left with little to no money and my ex hated that. He hated not having money for himself even though I never got money for myself… He would ask me to check the bank to see if we had any more for him to get cigarettes or something for him, I usually ended up telling him no because I paid all the bills… I had to deal with his anger and bad moods all the time because of this…. He always made us late on bills because of this.

Trigger number ten

This one’s a big one for me… Getting remarried is a huge trigger for me. I was with my ex for 6 years and 4 months and married to him for 3 years and 11 months. I’ve been separated from him since 2019…

I was 6 and a half months pregnant when him and I got married… At our reception, he got at drunk and dropped a full beer bottle on my foot and bruised my toe so bad that my nail almost came off, of course he didn’t remember doing that… When we got home the night, we were opening our gifts and he got mad about something and yelled at me and said, “I shouldn’t of married you.”

As much as I want to marry who I’m with now because he’s literally everything I’ve wanted in a partner, my brain correlates the thought of getting remarried to all of the toxicness that I had during my first marriage.

I am so beyond damaged

I am so beyond damaged. I know part of it is own my fault because I allowed the toxicness to go on for so long but I think maybe it was because that I loved that man with every fiber of my being, I love him so hard that I looked past every red flag that was literally thrown in my face. I hid what was really going on so no one would think bad of him….

What I realized though, is the fact that none of that is love. I don’t think I did any of those things just out of love as much as I did out of fear… Fear that he would take my daughter away from me. Fear that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Fear that no one would want me after this because of how broken I was.

Hello, my name is Jessie and I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD due to a very emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive past relationship. I am not perfect in any means but I have a big heart. I am anxiety-filled all the freaking time and I have so many triggers I’m shocked that people don’t run the opposite direction when they get to know any bit of who I am. Bathroom floor feels like my safe spot when I panic. I also lose so much hair because of the constant stress I have due to my anxiety.

If you have read this far, thank you for actually caring about me and not not running the opposite direction.