So, I am going to bitch for a moment… ready? Here… I go… Y’ALL ARE LIARS! All of you that told me that terrible twos are the worst, are liars! Three-year old’s are horrible! Terrible twos were nothing compared to ass-hole threes. When my daughter turned two, she was still baby talking a lot and wasn’t as mobile as she is now, meaning she couldn’t out run me and definitely wasn’t quicker than me. Yeah, two-year old’s have a few tantrums here and there, but nothing a Popsicle won’t fix. (Yes, sometimes I bribed my kid to get some peace, don’t judge me.) It’s a whole different ballgame when they are three though. More like a whole different stadium! First of all, they can talk… full sentences… Which means they can argue with you and it makes sense (most of the time anyway). They run faster than you thought their little legs could run. They have been taking ninja classes behind your back because they can swipe something of yours right in front of you and you miss it completely and later find it in the bathtub. They throw what I’m pretty sure is demonic tantrums and when said tantrums occur, they are ruthless. They know what to say to just mess your whole world up. You can’t bribe them when they have these kind of fits… Honestly, it almost seems like they need an exorcism.

Here’s some stories about my three-year old demon…. I mean little girl..

About three weeks ago, my husband and I experienced her first real HORRIBLE tantrum, and it was all over a toothbrush…. My husband was trying to help her brush her teeth, and she wouldn’t let him, so he let her do it. She wanted to squirt the toothpaste on, but he had already done it for her. So, he rinsed it off and handed her the toothpaste to do it her herself, but it was already too late at that point. She wanted nothing to do with brushing her teeth because her daddy already put the toothpaste on and in her mind, there was no way she could re-do it. So… She threw the toothbrush… threw the toothpaste… started screaming… refused to get out of the bathroom…threw herself on the floor… and screamed no in daddy’s face and told him to leave her alone. When he tried to walk out the bathroom, she screamed more. When he tried to pick her up, she loosened her arms, so he couldn’t, and he almost dropped her. Then she started kicking her legs while he was holding her and screaming no in his face some more, so he stuck her in time out. My husband punishing his daughter’s hurts him more than it hurts his daughters. He babies them and instantly feels bad after having to punish them. Anyways… my daughter HATES the timeout chair. She can handle spankings and getting her things taken away, but the timeout chair messes her up.  My husband and I tried everything to get her to calm down… Nothing worked. Not bribes, babying, talking to her, more punishing, NOTHING. We sat on the bed just watching her scream, feeling defeated. Eventually she calmed down enough that we could talk to her… So that was fun.

About a two weeks ago, she was being mean to her big sister, and just screamed no in our faces when we tried to talk to her about it, so we stuck her in her timeout chair in the corner of her room and walked away, which by the way also really pisses her off. About a minute goes by and she had stopped crying. So, we waited to see if she would start again, because she usually does… Then we hear her door slam and something hitting her wall… We walked in and found her playing in the middle of her floor and the chair in a completely different spot than we had set it in… She went hulk mode and hurled her chair at the wall. So, of course, we stuck her back in the chair in that same corner and sat there watching so she didn’t throw anymore objects at anything. She then threw herself off the chair in a rage and started the kicking and screaming tantrum… She eventually (After like 10 minutes) calmed down and said she was sorry.

Last week, we were getting pizza for dinner and my husband asked her if she wanted pizza and she said no, and that she wanted a sandwich, so he made her a sandwich. Well she got mad at the way he made the sandwich I guess…? Then she demanded pizza. When he put a piece of pizza in front of her and took the sandwich away, she had a meltdown because turns out, she didn’t want pizza after all and wanted the sandwich. All hell broke loose when we handed her the wrong cup though.

Another thing my three-year old started doing, that she never did when she turned two is wake me up all night long. Literally. All. Night. Long. She starts around 11 if she hasn’t fallen asleep earlier than that. Then wakes me up throughout the night at least 3 times a night. AND for no good reasons at all. Most of the time it’s for me to scratch her back or just because she got bored in her room. She is now the reason why I am so sleep deprived. She’s not taking naps anymore, so I am not understanding why she wakes up at least 4 times a night every single night. She’s been sleeping through the night ever since she was four months old. Apparently three years aren’t required to sleep through the night….?

So, I think three-year old’s are the age that really start to develop their spongy-ness, and really use it. My daughter picked up a few things from some other older kids and now does and says said things on a regular basis… This has been a nightmare. The stuff she’s picked up are things we’ve and her siblings have never said or done, especially in front of her. She knows I don’t like it, so of course, she says and does said things often! The frustration is real, y’all.

Since my daughter’s been potty trained, she always wants to go in the bathroom, even if it’s not to use the bathroom. The worst part of it is, anytime we’re out of the house and no where near a bathroom, she’ll suddenly have to go. My least favorite is when she fights me about me trying to get her to go before, we leave the house then after I get her all buckled in her car seat and pulling out of the driveway, she must go. Her new favorite thing is to go to the bathroom when we are shopping or at a restaurant just so she can play in the bathroom and there’s nothing I can do because I’m not even sure when she’s lying or not. I went through this with my step daughter, so I was already prepared.

Facts about three-year old’s:

They have no remorse when they are angry

They have little bodies, but a whole lot of anger

The can be so sweet and tell you how much they love you and how pretty you, but they also have the full ability to rip all your emotions and confidence to shreds

They are ninja thieves

They won’t eat grapes off the floor but with stick their hands in the toilet

They are bi-polar

They have the ability to argue with you like adults

They want everything that you don’t offer and nothing that you do offer

Their favorite things to touch are things they know they aren’t supposed to… They won’t touch those things in front of you, they’ll hide to do it

They take the word no as a challenge

If you have an evil three-year-old and feel like only an exorcism will cure them, I’m here for you. We can sail this hell boat together.