Motherhood & Anxiety, My struggle Part: 2

20180712_113139_0001

About a month ago, I shared my struggle with depression. Today I am going to talk about another difficult struggle of mine that really affects my life and every aspect of it.  ANXIETY. I know I had problems with depression at a younger age, but I didn’t know I had anxiety until just a few years ago when I had a full blown anxiety attack for the first time, which by the way are horrible and nothing like I’ve ever felt before… I’ve had many panic attacks since my first one.

imageedit_20_2031014122

What I struggle with:

Constant worry.
I constantly worry about everything. I will literally make myself sick over something that I think needs to be solved right now. I worry about problems and things that happened in the past. I also worry about what my future will be like (More than a normal person should), to the point where I start to degrade my present self and life for not being further I guess you would say.
Insomnia.
I get maybe at most, 5 hours of sleep a night. I am always exhausted and always want to sleep, but can’t. My mind just races a million miles an hour when it’s time to go to bed. When I finally do get to sleep, I wake up every couple of hours or so with a racing heart. Not being able to sleep has really worsened my depression.
Anxiety attacks.
These are the worst! The best way I can describe what one of these feels like is, it’s like you’ve lost all control of your emotions… it feels like you’re so overloaded  with emotions that you become numb and would do anything to feel something.
During an anxiety attack, you hyperventilate… Not being able to breathe when you are freaking the hell out is terrifying! Trying to catch your breath when you are balling your eyes out seems impossible. You can’t think past the sadness or wrong that got you to this point in the first place.

imageedit_11_3821388956Last week, I was upset about something and I was driving on the freeway… I kept thinking that nothing was going to change (The thing I was upset about) and that I was going to live with this sadness forever…Which sent me into an anxiety attack WHILE ON THE FREEWAY DRIVING. That was horrible.

Trembling & racing heart.
Sometimes my anxiety will come out of no where for no obvious reason… One day I was sitting outside at work and out of no where, I started to feel really anxious… I started shaking and my heart started racing and I was having a hard time breathing. 

Nothing is more terrifying than battling with your own mind everyday. – UNKNOWN

You know, I’ve been told by multiple people including family, to “Just control my emotions… get a grip… lighten up and to control what bothers me…” I’ve had people tell me that I’m overreacting and that I’m acting crazy. First of all, these things are really, REALLY hard to hear. Second, Yes, I know this seems crazy, but I’m not acting and third, if I could just get a grip and control my emotions, don’t you think I totally would?! You think I like feeling this way?! You think I like constantly worrying about everything?! HELL NO. I’m having anxiety just writing this right now.

imageedit_16_4140208702This affects my daily life and those who are in my life. It affects the things I do and how I react to things. It’s even worse when you have kids. Moms are paranoid about their kids right off the bat but having anxiety makes us 10 times more paranoid. Trust me when I say, if I could just turn this off and act normal, I would, in a heartbeat. I don’t understand why anyone would think people with anxiety would just act like this for fun. This is a miserable way to live. I never understood anxiety really until I knew what it truly felt like and now, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

You cannot recover from anxiety by just staying calm. You cannot recover from depression by just being positive. You cannot recover from anorexia nervosa by just eating more.

If mental illnesses were that simple, we wouldn’t be struggling in the first place.  – UNKOWN

 

imageedit_1_5143713366

7 thoughts on “Motherhood & Anxiety, My struggle Part: 2

  1. Pingback: Toddler Mom
  2. Since I became a mom my worry level is off the charts. I worry about the nuttiest stuff, so unlikely to happen… but I also worry about day-to-day stuff on the regular. I think insomnia is part of the job description as well, which of course does nothing to help anxiety. I really hope you are getting the help you need — hang in there, momma!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I struggle with anxiety and a lesser bipolar disorder. It is a daily struggle for me not to go down my spiral. Meditation and spoken affirmations have really helped me to calm my racing worry. It has also helped me to pull myself out of an a iety attack. You are not alone and it is okay to feel how you feel just try not to dwell on it and when it becomes too much ask for help.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s