My regular followers may have noticed that I don’t post as nearly as often as I use to… There’s a reason for that. This reason isn’t an easy thing to talk about let alone blog about for everyone to read, but I have decided that I should in fact blog about it because I want my blog to be an honest one. You know, un-sugar coated like how life really is.

My depression has been such a struggle for me lately. I’ve struggled with depression since my early teen years and it’s gotten worse over the years, but I’ve managed to handle it and keep it under control… until recently… My depression has been so significant that most the time I feel like I lose who I am.

Here’s what I struggle with.

Loss of appetite: This is the number one sign that everyone recognizes when they know something is wrong with me. Everyone that truly knows me, knows my love of food. I hardly eat one full meal a day anymore, and the things I really love to eat, I don’t have a taste for anymore.

No motivation: Literally, I have little to no motivation to even shower, let alone be the mom I know I have to be. I’ve been putting everything off, which is not something I normally do. I am normally an organized, on time type of person.

Exhaustion: Every form that exhaustion comes in, I have it. Physically, mentally and emotionally. No matter what I do, I feel like this. Even if I slept a decent amount, I still feel like this. This affects every aspect of my life.

Always wanting to sleep: I know I can’t sleep as much as I want because I’m a mom, but the WANT for sleep is heavy. I feel as though sleeping is a temporary escape from constant sadness that I carry.

But not being able to sleep: It doesn’t matter how exhausted I am, how drained in every way possible that I am or how much I just wan to sleep, come night time, I can’t. This probably has to do with my anxiety.My brain’s shut off switch is non existent at night, I guess.

Loss of contact with everyone: This is probably  the worst one for me, honestly. I know I have people who understand what I’m struggling with and who are 100% there for me, but it just seems better and easier to not burden anyone, so I just push everyone away. Once I do this, I feel alone and it’s the worst feeling ever when struggling with depression.

Loss of interest in things I love: I stopped doing the two things that I absolutely loved doing. I use to feel a sense of accomplishment when I would take photography or sew. I haven’t sewn in about 8 months and haven’t done photography in about 6 months. This goes along with the whole no motivation thing.

Effortless things seem difficult: Just getting out of bed is hard. Picking out something to wear is hard. Simple things that are easy, feel hard to me.

Depression is being color blind and constantly told how colorful the world is.

These are just some of the things that I struggle with on a daily basis. Being a mom with depression like this is hard and really devastating. I don’t have motivation most the time to even chase my toddler around. I use sit in Averie’s room, in her little chair and play with her and I’ve found myself doing that less and less. The worst part is that my sweet 2 year old recognizes that something’s wrong with me and tries to make it better.

My depression affects everyone around me, not just me. It’s devastating to see my loved ones affected by something I am struggling with.

If any of you are feeling this way on a daily basis and you feel like it’s getting worse, please, seek professional help. This is something I’ll be doing this week.

This was a very hard post for me to write. It took days to write and then days more to actually post.