Motherhood and depression, my struggle.

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My regular followers may have noticed that I don’t post as nearly as often as I use to… There’s a reason for that. This reason isn’t an easy thing to talk about let alone blog about for everyone to read, but I have decided that I should in fact blog about it because I want my blog to be an honest one. You know, un-sugar coated like how life really is.

My depression has been such a struggle for me lately. I’ve struggled with depression since my early teen years and it’s gotten worse over the years, but I’ve managed to handle it and keep it under control… until recently… My depression has been so significant that most the time I feel like I lose who I am.

Here’s what I struggle with.

Loss of appetite: This is the number one sign that everyone recognizes when they know something is wrong with me. Everyone that truly knows me, knows my love of food. I hardly eat one full meal a day anymore, and the things I really love to eat, I don’t have a taste for anymore.

No motivation: Literally, I have little to no motivation to even shower, let alone be the mom I know I have to be. I’ve been putting everything off, which is not something I normally do. I am normally an organized, on time type of person.

Exhaustion: Every form that exhaustion comes in, I have it. Physically, mentally and emotionally. No matter what I do, I feel like this. Even if I slept a decent amount, I still feel like this. This affects every aspect of my life.

Always wanting to sleep: I know I can’t sleep as much as I want because I’m a mom, but the WANT for sleep is heavy. I feel as though sleeping is a temporary escape from constant sadness that I carry.

But not being able to sleep: It doesn’t matter how exhausted I am, how drained in every way possible that I am or how much I just wan to sleep, come night time, I can’t. This probably has to do with my anxiety.My brain’s shut off switch is non existent at night, I guess.

Loss of contact with everyone: This is probably  the worst one for me, honestly. I know I have people who understand what I’m struggling with and who are 100% there for me, but it just seems better and easier to not burden anyone, so I just push everyone away. Once I do this, I feel alone and it’s the worst feeling ever when struggling with depression.

Loss of interest in things I love: I stopped doing the two things that I absolutely loved doing. I use to feel a sense of accomplishment when I would take photography or sew. I haven’t sewn in about 8 months and haven’t done photography in about 6 months. This goes along with the whole no motivation thing.

Effortless things seem difficult: Just getting out of bed is hard. Picking out something to wear is hard. Simple things that are easy, feel hard to me.

Depression is being color blind and constantly told how colorful the world is.

These are just some of the things that I struggle with on a daily basis. Being a mom with depression like this is hard and really devastating. I don’t have motivation most the time to even chase my toddler around. I use sit in Averie’s room, in her little chair and play with her and I’ve found myself doing that less and less. The worst part is that my sweet 2 year old recognizes that something’s wrong with me and tries to make it better.

My depression affects everyone around me, not just me. It’s devastating to see my loved ones affected by something I am struggling with.

If any of you are feeling this way on a daily basis and you feel like it’s getting worse, please, seek professional help. This is something I’ll be doing this week.

 

This was a very hard post for me to write. It took days to write and then days more to actually post.

jessie

10 thoughts on “Motherhood and depression, my struggle.

  1. You are so strong for sharing this! I know it’s like ripping yourself open and its so hard but it’s not only good for you, but you are going to help so many others with this post…anyone who reads this and is going through or has gone through the same will know they are not alone and that they are not bad people and that it is ok to ask for help! You are an amazing person and you are doing an incredible job as a mom and seeking help is so brave on your part….u r an incredible role model to your daughter…sending u hugs good luck with your therapy 🙂

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  2. Hugs sweetie! Depression is a hard thing to deal with and recover from. I hope that you find the support and treatment you need to come out of the “fog” <—–"fog" is how mine feels most of the time.

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  3. I love the quote you’ve used about colorblindness. I think that’s a powerful way to illustrate what someone with depression experiences. Thank you for being so open in sharing your struggle!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are strong and honest to share this. Depression is really hard.. I’ve been there on and off. I find talking with my Christian friends, read Bible and say a prayer helped a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so proud of you for sharing this. Talking about depression is so brave and, in my opinion, the best thing you can do! I completely shut down with my ppd and even though my loved ones recognized that I wasn’t myself, they let me be. Looking back, I wish I had the courage to ask for help. Thankfully I pulled through and now I know if I do have another kid, how to recognize it and not be afraid to ask for help! Thank you for sharing ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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