Inside MY Anxiety and Depression.

I thought for once, I would do a post about myself instead of everyone else.
I never fully understood it when someone said they were dealing with Anxiety and/or Depression. I knew they were real issues but, never understood why people would do things or act/react a certain way when dealing with these issues. I wouldn’t understand when someone would “overreact” to something so minor. I wouldn’t understand why someone needed more reassurance than most. I just didn’t understand why someone couldn’t not let someone or something get to them… Well, now  I can say, I fully understand. There are a number of factors that can worsen or even cause anxiety and/or depression. I know for me, there are a ton of things that caused me to have anxiety this bad. Which then made my depression worse.  Let me tell you a little bit about MY anxiety. Everyone reacts differently with anxiety and depression, so, I am going to share what I go through when dealing with this… You guys should feel special because I don’t really talk to anyone about this, let alone, blog about it on the Internet.
My anxiety can be pretty brutal. It’s like I have a constant negative voice telling me that I’m not good enough, I’m not worth it, to just give up or worse (Well, what makes me feel worse), that this person doesn’t really love you/this person is just taking advantage of you, and that I should just freak out over minor things because they are eventually going to turn into big things anyways.
All of this has put so much stress on different parts of my life; My friendships and relationships mostly. I don’t have too many dependable friends anymore, because I have major trust issues with just about every human on this planet. Because of this, I have pretty much been alone socially for years. —– HELLO DEPRESSION. 
Since I moved out on my own over 4 years ago, people that I called friends gradually started to disappear. By the time I got pregnant, “friends” were pretty much non-existent at that point. I had acquaintances, which was alright. I got it…pregnant women aren’t the most fun fun to hang out with. I can’t tell you how many times I could of really used a real friend when I was pregnant though.
Once I had Averie, my depression got worse. I felt alone, all the time. I hardly ever left my house but maybe 3 or 4 times in the first year of Averie’s life. I hardly ever got invited to anything and the shocking few times I did, I would always find a reason to not go even though, I may have wanted to really go. I always felt mentally and physically exhausted about the thought of going out and being… social… Because of everyone ditching me when I got pregnant, my anxiety makes it almost impossible to allow anyone to be close to me now. I hardly ever smiled because I felt there was nothing to truly smile for. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter has always made me smile and was pretty much the only human on this earth who could get me to truly smile and she still can.
I would have to say that the worst part of my anxiety is how I react to minor things such as, certain looks I get, a statement that wasn’t intended to hurt me but, did anyways, not getting a response fast enough, and not getting “enough” affection from my significant other(s).
This has affected many aspects of my life. One of the most difficult things I struggle with is sleep. I barely sleep at all anymore. It’s going on 4 years of constant broken sleep. I get maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night and maybe 5 hours on a good night. It seems like my brain runs more at night than any other time. I will lay there and ponder on everything, especially things I can’t control. Lack of sleep has taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically. I am constantly exhausted and don’t have the motivation to even clean my house anymore. If anyone of you have been reading my blog for a while then you’ll know what a huge deal this is for me to not have motivation to clean. I am OCD about cleaning. Not getting a decent amount of sleep for so long has caused me to lose important things, such as, my happiness, my filter and my appetite. it’s extremely hard for me to eat 3 meals a day. I usually only eat one meal a day and a few little snacks like, goldfish. I keep being told that I need to eat, that I need to force myself to eat but it’s not that simple. Sometimes, just the thought of eating or even smelling or looking at food will make me nauseous. Anyone who truly knows me, will know how much I love food and deeply this saddens me. Lack of sleep isn’t the only factor in my no appetite… My anxiety attacks will prevent me from being hungry or to just lose my appetite within seconds. I weigh the lowest I have ever weighed (Within the ages of 14 and now). Before I got pregnant, I always weighed 109 or higher and wore a size 3 pants, when I got pregnant, I got up to 156 I do believe and wore a size 5 pants and then after I gave birth, I maintained a weight between 120 and 135 which I thought looked good on me and went back to a size 3 pants; I for once actually had a figure. Well, now I weigh 106 and hardly fit in a size 3 pants anymore. I haven’t been in a size smaller pants since before freshman year in high school. I am always being told how I am lucky to be so skinny and how everyone wishes they were in my position… Well, I am here to tell all you people who wishes they were in my position, being so skinny is awful and since I am skinny AND tall, it is more difficult to find pants that fit me around and length wise. I have dealt with this my entire life and let me tell you, it’s depressing to have nothing fit you right because you have no figure or any kind of curves. Growing up, my clothes were baggy like 99% of the time. Because of this, I have been super self conscious most my life.

 

So there you have it. A look inside my Anxiety and depression.
My life is definitely not all peaches and rainbows.
Some advice to those who have someone in their life that is struggling with anxiety and/or depression:
 
1. They aren’t making their feelings up. They are feeling a certain way for a reason, even if that reason is based on something minor.
2. Don’t tell them they are overacting in the moment of them truly being upset about something. They will more than likely realize when they have overreacted about something later on, but telling them that in that moment will not do any of you any good.
3. Listen to them, even if you’ve listened to the same thing more than once. When they feel like they can’t talk to someone that is suppose to be there for them in the time of needed someone to listen, they will more than likely shut down and that’s the last thing you want.
4. Don’t tell them how to feel about something. Don’t tell them that they don’t have a right to their feelings towards something. Don’t ever disregard their feelings in any of these ways, that’s emotional abuse.
5. NEVER lie to them. They have a hard enough time trusting anyone as it is so don’t ruin the trust they have for you because, if you do, it’ll be extremely hard or impossible to earn it back.
6. Be understanding, or at least try to be.
7. Don’t call them names like psycho, crazy or lunatic. That’s just not a way to talk to any of your loved ones. PERIOD.
8. Be there for them, in all ways. Give them a pep talk or a hug if you don’t know what to do.
9. Don’t let them fall asleep sad. I don’t mean to just sit there and work out problems at midnight. What I mean is, just reassure them that you do love them and tell them how much they mean to you.
10. If you truly love someone, then love them; Love them through their anxiety, help them get through it. If you can’t do these things, then do both of you a favor and remove yourself from their life. You aren’t doing either of you any good if you can’t be their support. Be their rock, that’s what they honestly need most.
How do i handle/Manage my anxiety and depression?
The best I can, that’s how. I have to really try to not let things get to me. What helps is, going somewhere where you’re happy. Like for me, it’s the desert at night time. You have to also try and think, “Is this something I should be upset over? Is it worth it?” Sometimes it’ll work and other times it may not. Just don’t give up. I am actually planning on going to therapy when my insurance kicks in. Maybe that’ll work for others too. I’ve found that sometimes talking to people you don’t know about your issues, can actually help. They don’t know you, they don’t know your life so they have nothing to judge you about.
Anxiety and Depression suck.
-Bear with me everyone.-

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